Bloody Lingerie
by Blondie Pants
Summary: A funny one-shot about Lily being a crazy hormonal pregnant lady.


Disclaimer: If you recognize it, I didn't come up with it. I don't get paid for this. Please show your appreciation and review. It's the only form of recognition I get.

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Lily Evans had always been terrifying. James had never seen such an explosive temper, nor anyone who had such a fixation with obscure hexes for which _no one_ seemed to know the counter. This, coupled with his persistence in asking her out at least twice a week during their Hogwarts years, resulted in him nearly constantly trying to reverse the results of her creativity.

But James had found that an eight-month pregnant Lily Potter, in the middle of a late June heat wave, was a hundred times worse.

He had long ago learned his lesson about changing her temperature-control spells. Whether the house was thirty degrees or ten, he just had to deal with it. There also had to be a constant supply of a variety of baked goods, magical and Muggle. She was eating very healthy (and forcing him to as well) but Merlin help him if she craved a lemon bar and there were none. It made matters worse that they couldn't just walk into a store and get whatever she needed. Such a situation could cause her to hex him into next week, or dissolve into tears.

Today, the problem seemed to be that she was "fat." James had encountered this issue already a couple of times, and had only once made the mistake of point out that she was probably supposed to gain some weight.

"I mean, look at me! These great purple lines that won't go _away_, my boobs will never go back to normal, this kid is completely destroying me!" She buried her face in her hands and sobbed.

"Lily," James said carefully, sitting down on the couch next to her. "I think you look beautiful—"

"Don't lie! You think I look bloody disgusting!"

"Never." He pulled her hands away from her face gently. Her eyes were red-rimmed and puffy, and tears ran over blotchy cheeks. Truth be told, there were many times in the past that he could remember her being significantly more attractive that just now. But he was going to keep that tidbit to himself.

After an hour or so of tentatively trying to calm her down, something made her mad and she hit him with several stinging hexes. His arms hurting, he welcomed the sight of Sirius' Patronus, even if it did wear the same amused expression that Sirius really would have been wearing. "James, Moody and Dumbledore found something. He wants to talk to us. My place."

"I want to go!" Lily shrieked.

James sighed. They went through this every time the Order called him. "Lily, you _can't_. Dumbledore's orders, remember?" Secretly, he was very grateful that Dumbledore had told her that she couldn't fight for a while, mostly because the other alternative was that _he_ tell her that. Not particularly appealing.

"I don't _care_! You and Sirius, out there fighting him, and me stuck here like a little housewife. I won't _do_ it!"

"Lily." He grabbed her shoulders. "You are not just a little housewife. You _are_ helping, by protecting Harry twenty-four hours a day. I know that it doesn't feel like it, but you are. You're probably doing more for hurting Voldemort long-term that anyone else. Now, I _promise_, I'll be right back the _second_ I can. And if there is a fight (which I don't think there will be) I'll stay out of the thick of it."

Her chin quivered, and she hugged his neck so tightly that he feared his head might pop off. "James Potter, if you die, I will drag your sorry ghostly ass back here and curse you until the end of time."

"I love you to, Lils." He bent down and kissed her protruding stomach. "And you, Harry." He Summoned his cloak, and with a last reassuring smile, Dissapparated.

"Took you long enough, mate."

James had Apparated to the front room of Sirius' little flat. The Prewett brothers were sitting at the kitchen table with him, "Sorry. I have a very hormonal wife who's convinced I'm going to die." He pulled a butterbeer out of the cupboard and dropped into a chair heavily. "If I were you, Sirius, I would go to any lengths to make sure that doesn't happen. She'd come after you."

Sirius winced. "Will do."

"Hey, how's Molly's and Arthur's new baby doing? Another boy right?"

Fabian grinned. "Number six. Ron."

"Fred has already taken to torturing the poor tyke," Gideon said.

"Kid doesn't even know up from down but he starts bawling every time one of the twins enters the room. Seems to love Bill, though."

_Pop._

Frank appeared, looking entirely exhausted. "'Lo," he said weakly. He collapsed in the chair next to James and made another bottle of butterbeer zoom out of the cupboard and into his hand.

Sirius and the twins started laughing.

"What? What could possibly be funny?"

"You—two—_haha!_—same—_haha!_—expression!"

James and Frank looked at each other. "Cheers, mate," James said, raising his bottle. Frank did the same.

"To hormones, crazy women and that bloody lingerie."

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A/N: All right. This was just an amusing scene that popped into my head yesterday during class. Yeah, I know there are some inconsistencies. Let me try to excuse a few.

As far as I understand it, James would have been willing to continue to help for a while, until they put anti-Apparation charms on the house. Lily, however, would not because she's actually carrying Harry. The small risk of splinching would not be worth it, even to a witch as clever and experienced with Apparation as Lily would be. Think about it—if her concentration wavered for just a split second, she could leave half her baby behind. And once they put the strongest protection charms on the house, it would have been impossible for James to leave without breaking them, preventing him from participating in the Order's work as well.

Why are they meeting in Sirius' flat? Well, I couldn't find out what the First Order used as headquarters. So no, this was not a battle, but rather a discussion about something that Dumbledore and Moody had discovered. Who knows what that is, even I don't. Dumbledore probably told Sirius to contact specific people while he finished up whatever he was doing and then he'd be along.

Jeez, this damned author's note is way too long for a story that was only two pages. I'll put it at the end so you only have to read it if you actually read the story. If you did, thanks!


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